So something funny happened the other week when I was at Jew school. See, for a month or two now, I've been realizing that the friends I had at my religious school from seventh grade were becoming more distant, and suddenly it was like they didn't know how to talk to me. With any other person they could have a normal discussion but with me it's like talking to a wall. they patronize me and if I would try to really talk to them it would be obvious they didn't care. like at all.
and it got me thinking
in psychology we learned about motives. Humans have a psychological need to affiliate with other people. They want to relate to people so they can have meaningful connections. We learned that by extension this meant some people must be excluded from those groups. In past years, there have been people that were made the odd one out. I was quiet, so my group and I didn't talk much, but it was still obvious they liked me. Now, however, it looks like it's my turn to be the odd one out.

It makes sense, because in reality, I'm the only one of them that's not saving the world, finding the cure for cancer, winning medals in track and field, or getting straight A's in my five AP classes. I'm one of two people in my grade that are getting just average marks in mostly average level courses. The other was pushed away a long time ago.
It also makes sense, because the Choir at my synagogue, formerly called meshorerim, is now being called meshorerot. in english that just meant it went from co-ed to all-girls. The guys who graduated last year almost served to keep the peace, and since they were seniors and older than everybody else they treated us all on the same level
It makes sense too, that I would feel less included because the difficulty of the music just seemed to go from camp-song to professional in the space of one summer. I'm so lost in the piece we're doing right now, and i guess in past years i've never felt the pressure, but now i'm the oldest and the only one who can't read music, and the only other girl in my section didn't sing loud enough for me to follow, so i panicked and now i'm here at home two weeks later wondering if I'll ever get this piece. I don't think i ever will, or if i do, i still won't feel accepted.

and that's what a religious community is for, isn't it? to offer guidance and to help people become better people? and even more than that, to be there, as a community when one is going through something hard?

My mom is all Jewish, but she still quotes Jesus. We both recognize that he had some good things to say, and after all, I don't believe he felt he was anything more special than a rabbi. He once said (and if you can't tell, I PARAPHRASE) that all of the jews following the rules of the book acting so much better than anyone else because they were in god's good graces weren't really doing it right. It was like cleaning the outside of your cup and leaving the inside dirty. When did religion become so much about religion and so much less about being good people? i've noticed it for a while, but while i was still accepted in my community, I didn't care. now, I don't find it so valuable.

So in any case, not that any of you care. at all. i mean how many of you do i know irl, and how many of you even knew i was jewish, and how many of you even live in california anyways? in any case, i'm not going to be religious anymore. the jewish education was nice when they taught us about mitzvot and tikkun olam, and all those morals about duty and charity and making the world a better place. once you get past that, and it ends at tenth grade, there's not much of a reason to stick around. My wednesdays are free for the rest of the year and my parent's aren't gonna renew their membership after I move out. that's that.

....well that was a mouthful. if any of my jew school "friends" decide to look me up, now they'll know why i stopped coming every freaking wednesday.

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ART UPDATE YOU SAY?

that's right, deviantart! fishy701 is having a session of photographing and editing her work from the past year and a half with her art teacher on friday. After that, there's some sketchbook i'd like to scan in too, so expect an update within a couple weeks. let's call it a fortnight, whatever that means. cookies for whoever might actually know and be able to tell me because i've always wanted to be able to use that word in a sentance. (and the night of fort-building i had with my friends last night doesn't count as using "fortnight" in a sentance)

other than that, i have nothing really going on in my life right now
like i said. fortnight.
i have my permit test tomorrow (only a year and a half late)
sitting down to do my applications on saturday, maybe sunday
not much digital art going on right now, just because i've had no juice left in me after all these weeks of AP art (besides which, this artist is constantly finding it difficult to draw anything without a real life subject or photoref, so any creative ideas go down the drain if they don't include a model. that means no fanart, quite unfortunately)
we had today off b/c of veteran's day or something. it's wednesday. isn't that so random? usually they just take off the monday or friday, but now it's wednesday. it's weird.

and I think imma shut up and go get me some food now. happy browsing, all.

EDIT: guess what i got to work? that's right, a microphone!!! that means new vids up on youtube!!! [link]